Whispers and Wisdom: Talking to Our Children About the Unspoken Rules and Taboo Topics in Our Culture

As parents and homeschoolers, we often strive to give our children the best education—one that nurtures their minds, spirits, and sense of self. We teach them math, reading, science, history. We guide them through social skills and personal growth. But there are parts of our culture that we carry in silence—lessons that are rarely found in textbooks, yet shape the way we move through the world. These are the unspoken rules and taboo topics—the things we don’t always say out loud, but our children still feel. And at some point, if we want to raise whole, wise, and conscious human beings, we have to bring those things into the light.

In many African American families, unspoken rules have historically served as tools of survival. Don’t draw too much attention. Speak properly in certain spaces. Don’t challenge authority. Keep your emotions in check. These rules were often passed down with love—meant to keep us safe in systems that were never built for us. And in some ways, they worked. But they also came at a cost: the cost of full self-expression, of comfort in our own skin, and sometimes even of truth.

Taboo topics—like mental health, sexuality, colorism, generational trauma, or spiritual doubt—often sit in the background of our family conversations, creating quiet tension or confusion for our children. They may sense the discomfort but not know what to name it. They may carry shame without understanding where it came from. And if we’re not careful, silence becomes a teacher.

So how do we break the cycle without dishonoring the cultural context our elders came from? How do we talk to our children about these layered realities in a way that is both protective and freeing?

We start with honesty. That doesn’t mean we have to have all the answers or share every detail too soon. But it means creating space where questions are welcome and curiosity is not punished. It means telling the truth about why certain things were never spoken about, and why we are choosing differently. It means explaining that while some unspoken rules were rooted in love and wisdom, they are not always necessary anymore—or they may need to be examined and reshaped.

For example, when we talk to our children about mental health, we can begin with emotions: “In our family, sometimes we were taught to ‘be strong’ no matter what. But strength also means knowing when you need help.” When it comes to race and identity: “You might notice we behave a little differently in different settings. That’s something many Black families have done to protect themselves—but it’s okay to talk about how that feels and when it’s exhausting.” When addressing topics like sexuality or gender identity: “Some things were treated as shameful growing up, but in this house, love and identity are not things we hide.”

These conversations don’t have to be lectures. They can happen while folding laundry, taking walks, cooking dinner, or during bedtime chats. The key is consistency and presence—offering answers when they’re asked, and opening the door when it feels closed.

As homeschoolers, we have a unique opportunity. Education isn’t confined to the walls of a classroom or the pages of a book. It’s in the way we speak about our family history. It’s in how we model emotional honesty. It’s in the permission we give our children to ask questions we were once afraid to ask.

In many ways, this is legacy work. We are choosing to teach differently—not because our parents failed us, but because we want to build on what they gave us. They fought for survival. Now we fight for wholeness.

Some days, these conversations will be messy. You may not feel equipped. That’s okay. What matters is that you show up. That you keep the door open. That your children know that in your home, truth and tenderness can coexist.

Let’s raise children who don’t have to unlearn silence. Let’s give them the language, the space, and the love to talk about the things we were once told to hide. In doing so, we don’t just educate them—we set them free.

Love, 

BellaFree